sk8terboi

夜 静 无眠 岁末 芳草绿 花相似 人却不同

 

可能是过了多愁善感的年纪，可能是工作太忙，或是变得懒惰而麻木不仁；总之好久都没有写点什么了。转眼间来英国已经九年有余，虽然双鬓未白，但的确由一个热血青年便成了如假包换的大叔了。少了一份激情，多了一份稳重；少了极端和憧憬，多了中庸和现实；少了为赋新词强说愁，多了却道天凉好个秋。世间万物不再是黑与白，没有好人或是坏人，没有绝对的对与错，一切与一切的界限都变得模糊。人们不过是在某一时间，某一地点，在某种心态下做了某些事罢了。

 

08年经济不景气，庆幸自己找到了自己很喜欢的新岗位。回首，上半年很努力但结果不理想（新工作，CFA考试，身体 etc). 下半年因为市场的原因变得很忙。觉得自己成熟了很多，也懒惰了很多。认识了一些新朋友，与很多老朋友失去了联系。心态很好，很理智。更顾家了。不钻牛角尖了。张口闭口市场。常常睡眠不足，乱发脾气。不够耐心。喝酒次数太多，偶尔量也过。

 

09年，希望自己主观能够有一些变化吧。

 

Discipline.  Rules are necessary to maintain the orders.  Was too flexible when compromising the standards back in 08.

 

Pay more attention to health.  Given 16 no-more, it's time to try to eat more healthily and keep up with the regular exercise.  Don’t drink too often or too much.  Sleep early, and try to wake up early.  If it's cold, remember to wear more clothing so that it wouldn't become too weird to remind freddie junior to put on extra sometime later rather than sooner. 

 

Read more books.  Fancy parties and computer games are fun, but time goes by and it's good to actually learn something every now and again, so that won’t feel too sad about getting old (i.e. hopefully get wiser and smarter as well).

 

Emotion.  Shut up when losing temper.  Speak less when drunk.  Admit and apologies when making a mistake.  Love when being loved.

 

Travel more.  Keep up with more habits, pity to give them up (could clearly tell when looking back to the kidhood).  Use less computer – given the compulsory hours sitting in front of x screens and pcs, it’s good to do something else when one can.

 

Last but not the least, 80后的重要任务是制造08后.  Wish everyone on the planet earth (including our beloved guests originally from Mars) the very best in 2009!

 

 

PS - mainly using facebook

好久没自己写什么了．

 

委实没什么好写的．生活充实而平淡，流水一般．不再有那么多事情值得记录下来．就算有点空余时间，也想多走一走，少在电脑屏幕前坐着．

 

多愁善感的确不再属于我；can't afford it, not anymore.　或是自己经历过，看过一些事后，便不可避免的有没名的麻木．有些东西难得糊涂．面具带多了就不知不觉的粘在脸上，可能是因为这样会比较有安全感吧．在有些人面前能够无拘束，真心感谢他们．越发的想念家人．喜欢的东西越来越少，对新的事物也少了少年应有的热血；人也是．长痛不如短痛，快刀斩乱麻．

 

实在没有moon那样的功底；没有心境时也找不到想记下来的文字．

 

至少这是个开始吧． 24 hours prior to my salary collection for Mar 2007; 6 days after the St guinness day.  平凡的一天．

 

真心祝福小福每天都平凡，每天都开心．

 

 

zt...

 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtim

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes a lifetime to know what love is.

To love is to give; to be loved is to be given.

Love is a spark; it lights the fervour, burns the flesh, fuelled by irrationality, existing with memory, and disappearing with time.

Love heats up, lovers suffer; love cools down, lovers suffer.

To love is to hurt; to be a lover is to give the counterparty the right to hurt you.

Why love?

Lovers enjoy the happiness that filled the gap between the sufferings, and enjoy the sufferings themselves.

Be brave; treasure love before it is too late to.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ZT...

EX

从原来相爱到分手.

昨日,可以说,爱人,今天说EX.

He used to be my boyfriend, but he is an ex.

是的,过去并非不再存在.

而是以某种形式,以不可思议的方式继续进行着.即使是回忆, 也并那么难以忘怀.所谓的爱情, 一生只有一次的爱情也不是没有感受过.

雨天的吻,拥抱,和穿着黑色大衣笑容含糊的他.

那天的烟花,天空被迫发出微弱的紫色颤抖.他在摇晃的世界之中说爱我.河边有树,落满了光辉,我看见他眼睛中的自己,很幸福,似乎我最喜欢的音乐在为我们的爱情演奏,轰然一片,美妙悦耳.

而这并非是我所需要的.饥饿的时候需要的是一碗满满的米饭而不是一勺蜜糖.

爱情是靠运气撞上的.好的,撞了个满怀,坏的撞了个跟头.

对爱情之类的所谓东西似乎都是没有长性的.即使曾经真的有爱,新的来了,也一样是忘记.所以试想为什么当初非要开始.确是人类的私欲吧.

记得,很久以前,一个所谓朋友的男人,在我的身边.曾经以为这是世界给我最大的礼物,有他在身边,已经足够.虽然他和很多人一样,最终在某个时间离我而去,直到现在还没有出现的意思.科技固然发达,我们所间隔的不过是一条TEXT,一个电话,一个MSN号码,但是即使我们有了这些,也未必见得到.不如不去打搅彼此.况且,留个自己一个面子,免得招惹人家讨厌.

于是,算是放弃一切,却不再期待明天.明天是留给孩子们的,他们有所期待.看见的是日出最辉煌的光芒,空荡荡的田地,阳光,太阳的升起,没有遮挡的快乐与希望.

而我的世界有太多复杂,有爱,有残留的过去的爱,有在某种压制下还必须坚持的很多感情,有太多琐碎的事情,太多无所谓却不能丢弃的希望,梦想.我的世界充满了高高耸立的人造树和天然的山脉,却无论如何都看不见太阳.我看见自己很迷惘,却不知所措.

曾经伤害过很多人,欠了很多债,现在伤痕累累,无人问候,算是我还的.一笔勾销.

只是,还在伤害别人,不能停止.有爱就有伤害.可是爱在不停地发生,我们不能阻止.阻止了就是破坏的天意.我们不能违背天意.

可是,想起他,还是会难过.那个唯一一个欠过我的男人.

游乐场,冬天的大海,布满石头的海滩,他送我的黑色朱古力,他身上浓浓的烟草味道,对我的话总是默默一笑却不回应.虽然曾经我们还年轻,还是可以有希望的孩子,还可以牵着手看他最爱的电影,还可以一起说话聊天,打电话几个小时.

只是最终没有违背天意.没有再见到他.

他应该还是活着的,而且很好,很开心,怀里有女人,手里有钱,住在LONDON漂亮的房子里,有很多身世显赫,看起来斯文好看的朋友.于是,才知道,我和他的遇见,只是偶然,而且很偶然.

因为他的存在,我的存在才显得可笑.

我有很多的EX,所以我的名字已经不再是自己,而是某人的EX.

确实有过爱情发生.但是很快就已经不在.失落的时候,想念这个朋友,想念他在几年前对我说的话,梦里还是很偶然地见到他,他也还是那么温柔沉默地向我含糊地微笑.他从来没有说话,因为只是我的梦而已.我的梦一直都是安静的,象很久以前黑白的静默电影.

他已经不在.

意识到的时候,才发觉自己很想拥有和他在一起的名份,哪怕被人叫做他的EX.这样的称呼里,还包括他的名字.这样在一起过,却可以一直是现在进行时,I am his ex.

虽然没有人意识到我的失落,世界太嘈杂太吵闹,人们忙碌着自己的事情.打扮漂亮,吸引更多的男人,在自己的世界,找和自己相似的朋友,结婚,生子,发展,赚很多钱,有很多房子.

而我不希望我们会变化.

只希望可以回到过去,即使事情不再扭转,也想再体验当初心酸的,快乐的,却有点点伤感的爱情

我是爱着他的,以前是,现在是,将来却会忘记.

自己的文字零乱,很空虚.

空荡荡的似乎可以有风在里面穿梭.

人生还在继续.闭上眼睛,看见了MURAKAMI所说的黑色的大海,和甚至鱼也感受不到的安静的雨.

zt...

 

酒店。

烛光晚餐。

桌两边，坐了男人和女人。

我喜欢你。女人一边摆弄着手里的酒杯，一边淡淡的说着。

我有老婆。男人摸着自己的手上的戒指。

我不在乎，我只想知道，你的感觉。你，喜欢我嘛？

意料中的答案。男人抬起头，打量着对面的女人。

24岁，年轻，有朝气，相当不错的年纪。

白皙的皮肤，充满活力的身体，一双明亮的，会说话的眼睛。

真是不错的女人啊，可惜。

如果你也喜欢我，我不介意作你的情人。女人终於等不下去，追加了一句。

我爱我妻子。男人坚定的回答。

你爱她？爱她什麽？现在的她，应该已经年老色衰，见不得人了吧。

否则，公司的晚宴，怎麽从来不见你带她来。。。

女人还想继续，可接触到男人冷冷的目光後，打消了念头。

静。。。。。。。。

你喜欢我什麽？男人开口了。

成熟丶稳重，动作举止很有男人味，懂得关心人，很多很多。

反正，和我之前见过的人不同。你很特别。

你知道三年前的我，什麽样子？男人点了烟。

不知道。我不在乎，即使你坐过牢。

三年前，我就是你现在眼里的那些普通男人。

男人没理会女人，继续说。

普通大学毕业，工作不顺心，整天喝酒，发脾气。

对女孩子爱理不理，还因为去夜总会找小姐，被警察抓过。

那怎麽？女人有了兴趣，想知道是什麽，让男人转变的。

因为她？

嗯。

她那个人，好像总能很容易就能看到事情的内在。

教我很多东西，让我别太计较得失；别太在乎眼前的事；让我尽量待人和善。

那时的我在她面前，就像少不更事的孩子。

也许那感觉，就和现在你对我的感觉差不多。

那时真的很奇怪，倔脾气的我，只是听她的话。

按照她说的，接受现实，知道自己没用，就努力工作。

那年年底，工作上，稍微有了起色，我们结婚了。

男人弹了弹烟灰，继续说着。

那时，真是苦日子。两个人，一张床，家里的家俱，也少的可怜。

知道吗？结婚一年，我才给她买了第一颗钻戒，存了大半年的钱呢。

当然，是背着她存的。若她知道了，是肯定不让的。

那阵子，烟酒弄得身体不好。

大冬天的, 她每天晚上睡前还要给我熬汤喝。那味道，也只有她做得出。

男人沉醉于那回忆里，忘记了时间，只是不停的讲述着往事。

而女人，也丝毫没有打扰的意思，就静静的听着。

等男人注意到时间，已经晚上10点了。

啊，对不起，没注意时间，已经这麽晚了。

男人歉意的笑了笑。「现在，你可以理解嘛？我不可能，也不会，作对不起她的事。」

啊，知道了。输给这样子的人，心服口服咯。

女人无奈的摇了摇头。不过我到了她的年纪，会更棒的。

嗯。那就可以找到更好的男人。

不是吗？很晚了，家里的汤要冷了，我送你回去。

男人站起身，想送女人。

不了，我自己回去可以了。女人摆了摆手。

回去吧，别让她等急了。

男人会心的笑了笑，转身要走。

她漂亮嘛?

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。嗯，很美。

男人的身影消失在夜色中，留下女人，对着蜡烛。发呆。

男人回到家，推开门，径直走到卧室，打开了台灯。

沿着床边，坐了下来。

「老婆，已经第四个了。」男人说着

「干嘛让我变成这麽好!!好多人喜欢我呀。」

「搞不好，我会变心呀。」

「干嘛把我变成这麽好，自己却先走了？」

「我，我一个人，好孤单呀。」

男人哽咽的说着，终於泣不成声。

眼泪，一滴滴的从男人的脸颊流下，打在手心里的相框上。

昏暗的灯光中，旧照片里，弥漫着的，是已逝女子，淡淡的温柔。

Got a letter from HR saying I can say bye to the title of 'Graduate' and replace it with 'Executive' earlier today.  Cannot call it a promotion, given I have just jumped from the very bottom to the bottom in the hierarchy.  Admittingly I am not entirely sure if I can treat myself as a full time employed staff other than a fresh rookie student looking for excitement, but time flies and it certainly won’t stop and wait for me to catch up.

 

To that extent, I am thinking if this might be a good time to look back and give myself a little appraisal-ish type of summary. 

 

My student life was an absoforkinglute indulge.  Given I was thinking if that was pretty much the last period time in my life that I could live without being responsible for whatsoever I was doing, I took my chance.  Thanks to the hard work done from the previous (relatively) good old decent me along with a little bit ‘little-cleverness’, I manage to finish the degree despite gets zero for vast majority of the coursework (because I can’t be bothered to do them) and two of the exams (because I failed to wake up on time and didn’t wanna turn up late n look bad etc.).  The pre-18-yr-old me would have hated the me during the uni life; and the now me admit that I do not fancy the lifestyle I had during the uni era to a great extent.  Water under the bridge.

 

Then it comes the internship.  Well, I applied for one from the first place because I would have been out of ‘disposable’ monies for drinks after paying tuition fees, rent and bread without getting some extra income by the end of the penultimate year; and probably because I was desperate for the drinks, I did go through some books rigorously so that I went from knowing-absolutely-nothing-about-absoforkinglutely-nothing to knowing-nothing-about-nothing.  By all means, good enough for the interviews and there we go, job. 

 

After the sarcastic turning point of my life, I jumped to my current department and decided I like it (without knowing what this team does, why or how they do it etc.).  So I stayed and settled, accepting the fulltime offer.  After the 10-week fun (NO work is done, salary with trivial tax deduction, couple of grand of sign-up bonus plus FREE coffee at work and even occasional free drinks after work – COOL!), back to student life!

 

The grads training period was fun.  I loved it, and still love it.  Basically, from 9.30am to 5pm with one hr lunch break, you are paid to get trained with free food / drinks every now and again, and there is no pressure apart from the couple of days before the exams.  Making quite a lot of friends, did enjoy hanging out with some of the ‘colleagues’ – a word I am started to get used nowadays despite I found it really really weird back in the good old days.  After marginally failed the FSA – Fucking Stupid Asshole, I did notice that I cannot afford the take-it-easy attitude when it comes to work; by all means, I do want to do well in what I am doing amongst the group I am in.  If they are good, I need to be better even if not the best.

 

Working is NOT that fun.  In the beginning, you sometime have to sit there and struggle to stay awake while looking busy given you are paid to do so, and the colleagues around you are busy like hell whereas there is nothing you could do.  That sucks.  It takes a long time to try to build up the experience and knowledge so that you are getting comfortable with what you do; however that should be the very time for one to move on, as one will not be learning that much stuff if at the early stage of one’s career if one keeps staying at the same area / position.

 

It was tough between 2-month to 6-month, after all the excitements disappear and the reality / routine kicks in – you work for a long time, don’t have enough sleep etc.  It feels horrible during the winter to the extent you get into the office in the darkness and leave the office in the darkness as well (I still feel bad about it).  As more and more tasks load to you, one has to be able to prioritise the tasks and try not to be tooooooooo stressed, and be able to do the multi-tasking (i.e. being to speak on the phone, typing an e-mail and running calculations using computer / brain regarding some irrelevant stuff simultaneously).

 

As the more senior people in the team start to move on, the junior gets to see the new area and this is the perfect chance for learning.  Excel (well, I do mean if knowing a little bit more comparing to the others) in one area and reach a certain depth, then expanding the knowledge coverage horizontally.  It is interesting when interviewing the potential candidates for the team; one starts to think from the interviewer point of view and one point I wanna raise here – it is much easier to be an interviewer than an interviewee!  I will move on and become an interviewee sooner or later, and I am confident that I will be able to prepare for the interviews better comparing to what I used to do.  There are rules / routines to follow when it comes to decide if whom should be taken, but I find it amazing that one’s discretion could make a huge difference to the outcome.  In other words, I thought there is a complicated system that would cover everything, and we just need to follow; in reality, there is not.  PS the IT sucks – not the people-wise, but the error / bugs encountering everyday. 

 

Kk that’s quite enough of catching up.  Looking forward, I want to do more regular exercises in 2007 and become more serious about my life.  Drink less, eat less quantity-wise and more quality-wise.  Become less emotional simply because cannot afford to; do less silly things simply because tidying up the aftermath is a pain.  Learn to love, and how to be loved.  Treat the ones I love well, and treat the ones love me better.  Increase the thirst and desire to knowlegde, without being too aggresive / arrogant.  Learn how to forgive, including forgiving myself.  The targets are more feasible, and they still need to be revised every now and again. 

 

Wish Everyone a peaceful 2007!